For years the people around me saw the anger. The robplosions. A friend gave them that name nearly 20 years ago, back when I was CEO of Raincity Studios in Vancouver, and it stuck because it fit. Something would go wrong and I'd blow up at whoever was closest.
What nobody saw, me included, was what might have been sitting under it. Depression and I go back a long way. It took me a long time to wonder whether some of that anger was depression wearing a different coat.
So, can depression make you angry? Yes. Irritability is a recognised symptom of depression. In men especially, depression often comes out as anger, a short temper, getting touchy about criticism, losing your sense of humour, instead of the sadness people expect. If you've been on a short fuse for weeks and you're also sleeping badly, running on empty or not enjoying anything, it's worth getting checked for depression.
Yes, depression can come out as anger
CAMH lists feelings of irritability among the symptoms of depression, right alongside sadness, losing interest in things, fatigue, sleep problems and trouble concentrating. For it to be depression, the symptoms have to last more than two weeks and get in the way of your life.
HeadsUpGuys, a men's mental health resource out of Vancouver, goes further. It describes depression in men as often showing up as irritability, sensitivity to criticism, road rage and a short temper, and says men are more likely to show depression through anger than through tears. Part of that is what men are allowed to feel. Anger is acceptable. Sad isn't, or wasn't, for a lot of us.
That's the trap. If the only emotion you've been trained to show is anger, everything comes out through that one door. Hurt, fear, exhaustion, hopelessness. It all exits as yelling.
How I started to see the link
I want to be honest that I'm piecing this together in hindsight. Nobody handed me a chart.
When I look back, some of my worst explosions came during stretches when I was already low. Tired in a way sleep didn't fix. Not caring about things that used to light me up. In those stretches my fuse was short, and I mean short. A small problem became the last straw because I'd been running on fumes for weeks.
Then there was the loop. I'd blow up. The shame would come in right after, heavy. And the shame would feed the low, which made the next blow-up more likely. Anger out, shame in, round and round. I wrote about the shame side in why I explode over small things.
Add substance use to that and you've got a very hard picture to read from the inside. I'm sixteen years away from cocaine and heroin. I can tell you that what I used, and when, made my moods even harder to untangle.
None of this excuses what I did when I exploded. Depression might explain part of it. It doesn't make it okay, and it doesn't make it anyone else's job to absorb.
How to tell if your anger might be depression
There's no simple test. Some things to look at honestly:
- Is it new, or worse than usual? If you've become much more irritable over the last few weeks or months, something changed.
- Does it come with the other stuff? Poor sleep, low energy, losing interest, trouble concentrating, feeling worthless. Anger plus those is a different story from anger on its own.
- Where does the anger go after? If the blow-up turns into shame and hating yourself, that inward turn is common in depression.
- Are you numbing it? More drinking, more using, more working, more risk. Those are often attempts to escape a feeling you haven't named.
Other things that look like this
Not all anger is depression. Some of it is other things, and some of it is plain anger.
For autistic people, overload can end in a meltdown, which isn't the same thing as a tantrum or as depression-driven irritability (see meltdown or tantrum?). There's also intermittent explosive disorder, where outbursts are out of proportion to what set them off (I wrote about IED here). Anxiety, chronic pain, lack of sleep and substances can all shorten the fuse too.
A doctor or psychologist can help sort out which is which. You might have more than one going on. I probably did.
If your anger scares the people you live with
I need to say this plainly. If the people you live with are afraid of you, or there have been threats or violence, that is abuse, whatever is underneath it. Depression can be part of the explanation. It isn't a pass.
And managing your anger is not your partner's job. It's yours.
If you're on the receiving end in Québec, SOS violence conjugale answers 24/7 at 1 800 363-9010, or by text at 438-601-1211. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. I wrote more about this from the other side in living with someone's outbursts.
If you're the one exploding, get help for the anger itself as well as for any depression under it. The American Psychological Association's anger pages are a solid place to start reading. Then talk to a professional.
What helps
Get the depression looked at. If depression is part of it, treating it may take some of the pressure off the fuse. Therapy helps. Medication is a conversation for your doctor or pharmacist, not for a blog. In Québec, start with your doctor, a CLSC or Info-Social 811.
Work on the anger directly too. Depression treatment won't automatically undo years of anger habits. Learning to spot the early signs in your body and leave the room before you blow is a skill, and it can be learned. I'm still learning it. See how I'm learning to control the outbursts.
Name what's under it. Next time you feel the heat rising, try asking what else is there. Tired? Scared? Sometimes the answer surprises me.
Repair after. If you've blown up at someone, the apology matters, and so does what you do differently afterwards. That's its own post: repairing after a blow-up.
If any of this has turned dark for you, the Get help now page has the numbers for your country.