robplosions.com
I'm Rob. Diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and ADHD at 50, in the middle of a COVID breakdown. Sixteen years off cocaine and heroin. Still working on the anger, the anxiety, and the bubble I hide in. This is where I write all of it down, the ugly parts too, with resources to help others like me.
rob·plo·sion
noun. What happened when I lost it and blew up at the people around me. My friend Kris Krüg named it twenty years ago. I've been trying to understand it ever since.
Why I explode over small things →Free, confidential, and open right now in most places.
Call or text 988 in Canada and the US. In Québec: 1 866 APPELLE (1-866-277-3553) or text 535353. Emergency: 911.
The short version. Every stop links to the long one.
Age 7
I was seven. A year later I was in therapy. The year after that, family therapy.
Losing my father at seven →14 to 18
A social worker at 14. I hurt myself in high school; the tattoos came later. At 18 I left, and stayed away from help for years.
Self-harm, and why I ended up covered in tattoos →1998
I tried to end my life. I'm still here. That's the first thing this site is about.
Life after my 1998 suicide attempt →
I woke up in the ER at Lions Gate, in North Vancouver. After talking with the psychologist there, I chose to stay. A month of group therapy, counselling and meds.
I checked myself into psychiatry →
Therapy, group therapy, art therapy, programs. Always a set number of sessions, paid by the system or insurance. Then nothing. Same issues.
In and out of therapy since I was eight →2006
Running an agency in Vancouver. I'd lose it and explode on people. My friend Kris Krüg called it a robplosion. It stuck.
Why I explode over small things (the robplosion) →2010
Cocaine and heroin were part of the story. Sixteen years now without either.
Sixteen years clean, and what it's actually like →2022
After a decade of avoiding help, everything fell apart. A social worker who gave a damn got me support, three diagnoses (ASD, BPD, ADHD) and tools that work.
The social worker who gave a damn →Today
Fifty years of weird tics, obsessions and blow-ups finally have a shape. I'm writing it all down.
Diagnosed with autism at 50? Yes, that happens →Autism explains some of it. It excuses none of it.
Straight answers first, my experience second.
A tantrum is goal-directed. The person wants something, and it usually stops when they get it or when nobody is watching. An autistic meltdown is an involuntary loss of…
Read the full answer →Autism, lateYes. There is no upper age limit for an autism diagnosis. Autism is lifelong, so an assessment at 50, 60 or older looks for traits that were there all along. Expect…
Read the full answer →Crisis & suicideWhen you call 988 in Canada you hear a short recorded message, choose English or French, and reach a trained responder who listens without judgment. In Québec the call…
Read the full answer →Abandonment & BPDPeople leave first because waiting for a rejection they believe is coming feels worse than causing it. Leaving gives a sense of control. The pattern is tied to fear of…
Read the full answer →Addiction & recoveryFor most people, cravings fade a lot with time, but not in a straight line. Research on cocaine found people's own craving dropped steadily over the first year, while…
Read the full answer →Loneliness & peopleBeing good in a room and having close friends use different skills. Running a room is performance: energy, jokes, reading the crowd. Closeness needs repetition, honesty…
Read the full answer →Self-worth & sabotagePeople often self-sabotage when things go well to protect their self-esteem. If success doesn't match how you see yourself, it feels unsafe, and creating a problem…
Read the full answer →Partners & familyLiving with someone's outbursts gets easier when you both know the warning signs, agree on a time-out, talk after the blow-up instead of during it, and each get…
Read the full answer →Fourteen topics. Most of us live in three or four of them at once.
The robplosion, explained from the inside. Outbursts, meltdowns, repair.
6 postsDiagnosed at 50, in 2022. Burnout, masking, the relief and the grief.
12 postsHyperfocus, the crash, and the two-brains-in-one-head thing.
3 postsNot about cleaning. Intrusive thoughts and what actually treats them.
3 postsPanic, staying in, and pushing out of the bubble one step at a time.
4 postsLeaving before you get left. Where it comes from, what the labels mean.
4 postsWrecking things when they go well. Boom, crash, fraud feelings.
9 postsWhat it looks like in men, in winter, and when it comes back.
4 posts1998, the psych ward, crisis lines. How to ask for help and how to give it.
9 postsSixteen years without cocaine or heroin. Cravings, relapse, what helps.
9 postsCBT, DBT, group therapy, what it costs and what to expect.
9 postsThe person who lives with all of this. Their side, and where the line is.
4 postsRunning a room, with my people far away. Friends after 50.
5 postsSleep, exercise, lakes, hobbies, books, games. The daily stuff.
7 postsSo I collected the people who actually know what they're talking about.
How to cope with seasonal depression in a long Québec winter: what seasonal affective disorder is, how light therapy works, and when to see a doctor.
Does nature help mental health? A guy with ASD living by the lakes and forest of La Petite-Nation on what being outside does for anxiety, and its limits.
How do you apologize after losing your temper? What a real apology needs, the traps I fell into for years, and when sorry stops being enough.
How does losing a parent as a child affect you as an adult? What the big registry studies found, and how it ties into my fear of abandonment.
How can a social worker help your mental health, and how do you get one in Québec? What they do, the CLSC and 811, and why one person who cares counts.
Can masking cause burnout and mental illness? What the research says about autistic camouflaging, and what fifty years of it did to me.