Here's how it goes. There's something on the calendar. Nothing big. A store run, a coffee, somebody's thing in the village. As it gets closer my chest tightens, and I start building a case for why today isn't a good day. I find a reason. I stay home. The relief is immediate. The shame shows up about an hour later.
The fear of going out is one of the things I live with. It isn't dramatic. Nobody would look at me and see a man who's scared of his own front door. I can be social, I can even run a room when I have to. But going out, pushing past the edge of the life we've built at home, gets harder the less I do it.
So why are some of us scared to leave the house? Usually because the outside has become linked, in your nervous system, with something you dread. A panic attack. Being stuck somewhere you can't get out of. Too much noise and light and people. Being seen as weird. Staying home makes the dread go away right now, and that relief is exactly what keeps the fear alive.
The bubble
I call it the bubble. It's the safe little world you make where the light is right, the noise is low and nobody needs anything from you. Out here in La Petite-Nation it's easy to build one. Lakes, trees, long winters, a lot of good reasons to stay in.
The bubble isn't the enemy. I need it. The problem is that it shrinks. Every time I skip something because it feels like too much, the next thing feels like a bit more too much. I wrote a separate post about the bubble and how I push out of it, because that part needs its own space.
What's actually behind it (for me, and maybe for you)
The honest answer is that there isn't one cause. For me it's a tangle.
Sensory and social overload. I have ASD. A grocery store on a Saturday is a lot: the lights, the beeping, the music, the people coming at you from every angle, the small talk at the till. Autistica's anxiety and autism pages explain how much anxiety and overload overlap for autistic people, and how hard it can be to tell them apart from the inside. When going out costs that much, of course part of you starts saying no.
Social fear. Fifty years of not knowing why I was "weird" leaves marks. Some of the dread is about being judged, saying the wrong thing, or getting it wrong in some way I won't even notice until later.
Depression. When I'm low, everything outside the door looks pointless as well as hard. That's a different flavour from fear, but it ends in the same place, which is on the couch.
Anxiety that has learned a habit. This is the one with a name. The NHS describes agoraphobia as fear of being in situations where escape might be difficult or help might not be there if something goes wrong. It isn't only about open spaces. Shops, public transport, crowds, even leaving home at all. It can grow out of panic attacks, or out of other fears. I haven't been diagnosed with it, but I recognise the shape. I wrote more about agoraphobia that starts after 40.
Why staying in makes it worse
This is the bit nobody wants to hear, me included. Avoidance works in the short term. You cancel, you feel better. Your brain notices: "we stayed home and nothing bad happened, so going out must be dangerous." Next time, the alarm goes off earlier and louder.
The NHS gives the example of someone who starts ordering groceries online so they never have to go into the supermarket. Totally understandable. And one more door closes.
What helps me get out the door
None of this is therapy. It's what I've found on the days it works.
- Lower the cost of the trip. If noise is a big part of it, cutting the noise makes the outing smaller. My AirPods Pro with noise cancelling on, no music, help me in stores and noisy rooms.
- Go small and go often. Ten minutes at a quiet time beats one big heroic outing every two weeks. The brain learns from repetition. Heroics just wear me out.
- Plan the exit. Knowing I can leave, and how, makes it easier to arrive. That isn't the same as cancelling.
- Watch the recovery, not just the outing. A good night out can still flatten me for a day. I wrote about why socialising wipes me out. Planning a quiet day after is part of going.
These are the ones I mean.
Apple AirPods Pro (noise cancelling)
Apple
My take. I swear by these. Half the time there's no music playing at all. Just noise cancelling on, and the world turns down a few notches. Does wonders on overload days.
Good to know. Not cheap, and they're made for the Apple world: some features work best with an iPhone.
If it has got to the point where you can't get out at all, or your world has shrunk to a few rooms, please talk to someone. A doctor, a psychologist, or in Québec call 811 and choose option 2 (Info-Social). Phobies-Zéro runs self-help groups for anxiety and phobias, including virtual ones, which helps a lot when the whole problem is getting out the door. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is the main talking treatment the NHS recommends for agoraphobia.