For years I didn't tell anyone how bad it got. I said "I'm tired." I said "it's been a rough stretch." Mostly I said "I'm fine," because I'm good at saying "I'm fine." I can run a room. I can make people laugh. Nobody had to know.
The trouble with hinting is that nobody hears it. "I'm tired" sounds like tired.
So here's the direct answer, from someone who learned it late. To tell someone you're having suicidal thoughts, pick one person you trust, or a doctor, or a crisis line. Say it plainly: "I've been thinking about suicide." Then say what you need from them, even if it's only "can you help me figure out what to do?" If you can't get the words out loud, write them down or text them. And if the first person doesn't handle it well, that isn't the end. Tell someone else, or call 988. In Québec that's 1 866 APPELLE.
Who should I tell?
Someone you feel safe with. The 9-8-8 page on telling someone suggests a friend, a loved one, a teacher, a mentor, an elder. The Centre for Suicide Prevention adds partners, family doctors and counsellors to the list (how to ask for help).
It doesn't have to be the person you're closest to. Sometimes that's the hardest one, because you're scared of what it'll do to them. I get that one. My fear of being abandoned is old and loud, and for a long time I was convinced that saying it would make people back away. So you might start with someone a step removed, like your doctor.
In Québec, that can mean your family doctor, your CLSC, or 811 option 2 (Info-Social), which is open around the clock. And a crisis line counts. Telling a trained stranger first is still telling someone. Sometimes it's practice for telling the people at home.
What do I actually say?
This is the part people get stuck on, so here are real words. Some of these come straight from the 9-8-8 guide, which I think is very good.
To start:
"I'm not sure how to say this…"
Then the actual sentence:
"I've been thinking about suicide."
Or "about dying," or "about ending my life." Use the word if you can. The Centre for Suicide Prevention says to clearly say you're thinking of suicide, because that's what tells the other person you're in crisis. "Dark thoughts" can mean anything. "Suicide" means one thing.
If it helps, add how often, and what else is going on:
"It's every day now. I can't sleep. I feel hopeless."
And then what you want from them:
"I'd like to get help. Can you help me find it?"
That last line matters more than people think. A lot of the people who love you will panic if you just drop it on them and stop. Telling them what you need gives them something to do with their hands.
What if I can't say it out loud?
Then don't. Write it.
The 9-8-8 guide suggests writing down what you want to say beforehand, and starting with a text or an email if face-to-face feels like too much. You can also use a song, a poem, or a clip from a show that says it for you.
As a guy with ASD, I'll add this: scripts are allowed. I've spent fifty years running scripts in my head before conversations. For once, that habit is useful. Write the four lines above on your phone. Read them if you have to. Nobody is grading your delivery.
What if they react badly?
Some people will. They'll panic, or go quiet, or say something dumb like "but you have so much to live for." Usually that comes from fear, not from not caring.
The Centre for Suicide Prevention is honest about this: if the person isn't helpful, try again, because not everyone is strong enough to help someone who's struggling. The 9-8-8 guide says the same thing in its own way. If you didn't get what you needed, call or text 988.
Coming from someone who leaves before he can be left: one bad reaction is not a verdict on you. It tells you where that person is at. Go to the next door.
After you've said it
Saying it is the hard part, but it's also only the first step. Try to turn it into a next step right away, while the person is still with you.
- Call a crisis line together. Here's what happens when you call, so neither of you is going in blind.
- Book a doctor's appointment, and ask them to come with you if that helps.
If you're in danger right now, go to the emergency room or call 911. Sometimes the next step is bigger. Mine, in 1998, was talking with the psychologist in the ER and choosing to be admitted. I wrote about that in I checked myself into psychiatry. I'm still here to write this.